i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
