a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Shame - the story of my life.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
