She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize