wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
