i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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