I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
