I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
being pregnant is like rehab
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
