He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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