i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
