you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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