i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
