Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
