life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
