My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My cat gives me a boner
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
