I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
