he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
