my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we're making bets on your personal life
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
