I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
