Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize