the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
