This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize