I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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