I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
