just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
