We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
my phone needs a breathalizer
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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