I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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