is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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