at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
