Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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