i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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