And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
