I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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