i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
