Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
