Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Go christen that room with your naked body.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
