her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
