I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's never too late to be topless.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
