we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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