Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
