my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize