I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
