So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
