Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
