the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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