Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
