the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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