Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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