I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
