so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize