I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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