She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
this boner is exhausting
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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