I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
