There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
