So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
