Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
