He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
