i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
