I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
