the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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