hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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