Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
