I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize