True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
