Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
