the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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