if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize