The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
